Perfectionism is often celebrated and looked fondly on, as a sign of ambition and drive.
Underneath its shiny exterior it can feel like an unyielding weight dragging you through life, as you constantly strive to be ‘enough’ never really making it there.
If you tend to lean towards perfectionism it is likely you have experienced exhaustion, disconnection and feelings of emptiness, despite your best efforts to tick all the boxes.
Perfectionism can be oh so exhausting, especially when you try so hard to fill the perfectionism cup only for it to drain right back out. It’s almost like…the more you try to chase perfection the more it slips out of your fingers
For instance, you might find yourself meticulously editing a social media post to ensure it’s “perfect,” fearing judgment from others, or hesitating to speak up in a group setting because you’re afraid of sounding stupid.
Perhaps you’re the one who always says yes to others’ needs, even at the expense of your own, or avoid conflict in relationships, sacrificing your needs to keep the peace, all while feeling unseen and unappreciated by those around you.
If you’ve ever felt like you're always trying to prove your value, you’re not alone. This cycle of perfectionism often creates a sense of never truly arriving, constantly chasing an ideal that only deepens the common feeling of emptiness.
Having high standards for yourself can be useful in pushing yourself to meet your goals, but while striving for excellence we often become counter productive in our approach, leading to burnout, stress and dissatisfaction.
How Perfectionism Develops
Perfectionism often begins in childhood, rooted in experiences where love, approval, and validation were tied to our level of achievement, rather than our inherent worth.
Were you ever praised after performing well at school but not given the same amount of attention for any other parts of who you are—like your kindness, creativity, or just being yourself?
When praise is consistently linked to performance (excelling academically, meeting behavioural expectations, or achieving success in extracurricular activities), it can create the belief that to be loved or valued we must prove ourself through our accomplishments.
For many, especially those who identify as people-pleasers or perfectionists, this dynamic can result in a deeply ingrained cycle that they must constantly strive to earn love, acceptance, and self-worth.
Beyond external pressures, perfectionism can function as a form of self-protection, a way to avoid failure, rejection, or criticism. Many of us may experience the presence of our inner critic, who takes on the role of a relentless coach, pushing us to meet impossibly high standards to guard against feelings of inadequacy, shame, or vulnerability. This mechanism, though well-intentioned, can often leave individuals feeling unseen and disconnected from themselves and others. Over time, the constant striving to be "enough" becomes a heavy burden, robbing the experience of joy and authenticity that is found in imperfection and connection.
Understanding these layers;
how perfectionism develops,
its ties to early life experiences and societal influences,
its role as a protective strategy;
can provide a crucial foundation dismantling the cycle of perfectionism. By recognising that worthiness is inherent, not earned, and that mistakes are part of growth rather than evidence of failure, we can move toward a more compassionate and fulfilling way of living.
Impact on Self-Worth
This relentless pursuit of perfection isn’t just exhausting; it’s emotionally draining. The energy you spend trying to prove your worth can leave you with little left for joy or rest. When perfectionism takes root, it creates a damaging loop that directly impacts self-worth.
Instead of feeling inherently valuable, your sense of worth becomes conditional. This conditional self-worth means that no matter how much you do, it never feels like enough, because the bar is constantly moving.
Mistakes or perceived failures become evidence of inadequacy, reinforcing the belief that you’re flawed or unworthy. Over time, this erodes your ability to see yourself as lovable or valuable for who you are.
The inner critic becomes louder, overshadowing moments of pride or joy, and self-compassion feels out of reach. Healing this cycle starts with separating your worth from your achievements and learning to value yourself as a whole, imperfect human being. Perfectionism isn’t a measure of your value. It’s a protective strategy—a way to avoid pain, rejection, or feelings of inadequacy. Recognising this is the first step.
It's time to befriend the Perfectionist
The first step to connecting with your perfectionist side is to recognise the story it tells you.
You know the story it runs in your mind about how any stray away from complete perfectionism and control is going to end in utter devastation and disaster?
Yeah that one.
That inner voice that critiques everything you do, telling you you’re only as good as each success that you stack on top of one another.
Start by noticing this voice and the patterns it creates. Does it push you to work harder, avoid mistakes, or constantly seek approval?
Understand your perfectionist part with IFS Therapy
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, perfectionism is viewed as a “part” of you that developed to protect you from deeper pain, such as rejection or shame. This part is not your enemy—it’s trying to help you in the only way it knows how.
Start by getting curious about this part. Ask it:
“What are you trying to protect me from?” or “What are you afraid would happen if I didn’t try so hard to be perfect?”
These questions can help uncover the fears or beliefs driving your perfectionism, such as a need to feel safe, accepted, or loved. By building a compassionate relationship with this part, you can help it step back, creating space for other, more authentic parts of yourself to emerge and lead.
Reconnect with vulnerable parts of yourself
Beneath the perfectionist part often lies a younger, more vulnerable part of you that feels inadequate, scared, or unworthy. This part might carry the wounds of early experiences where love and approval felt conditional. Beginning to connect with this wounded part, offering it the comfort and care it didn’t receive in the past, helps to build its trust. Instead of avoiding or silencing this part, you can listen to its needs and fears, helping it feel safe and supported, which is key to healing the underlying emotions that perfectionism seeks to protect you from.
Practice self-compassion
Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to perfectionism. It allows you to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you’d offer a friend. Perfectionism often thrives on harsh self-criticism, but self-compassion invites you to acknowledge your struggles and imperfections without judgment.
Start small: when you make a mistake or feel like you’re falling short, pause and remind yourself that everyone has flaws and that you’re doing your best. Over time, this practice can help you replace the inner critic with a more supportive and compassionate inner voice.
Build safety in relationships
Perfectionism often makes you feel like you need to hide your flaws to maintain connections, but true relationships thrive on authenticity. Notice how your perfectionism shows up in your interactions with others.
Do you fear being judged or rejected? Do you avoid vulnerability to maintain an image of being “put together”? Lean into safe, supportive relationships where you can share your struggles and be accepted as you are. These connections can help you experience your inherent worth, that isn’t tied to your achievements.
Embrace imperfection
Perfectionism can make imperfection feel terrifying, but learning to embrace it is a crucial step toward freedom. Start with small, intentional acts of imperfection. Let yourself send a text with a typo, wear mismatched socks, or admit that you don’t know something.
Shifting your focus from achieving to connecting can also be transformative. Ask yourself: “Am I chasing approval, or am I building meaningful relationships?”
Seek support
Therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore the deeper layers of perfectionism. Working with an IFS therapist trained in relational therapy can help you unburden the protective parts of yourself and reconnect with your core values and true self. Through therapy, you can gain tools to challenge perfectionism’s grip, build self-compassion, and create a life rooted in connection and self-acceptance. Whether you’re just starting your journey or have been struggling with perfectionism for years, seeking support is a powerful step toward lasting change.
If this resonates with you and you’re curious to explore Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’re here to support you.
At True Self Space, we specialise in helping you reconnect with your authentic self, heal emotional wounds, and rewrite outdated narratives.
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🌐 Visit our website at TrueSelfSpace.com.au to learn more about IFS therapy and our approach.
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