Have you ever caught yourself stuck in a mental loop, replaying the same thoughts over and over, only to find they’re fuelling the same emotions, with no sign of easing up?
The intensity of our feelings can feel all-consuming at times, creating a sense of being stuck in an emotional whirlwind.
We can feel like we are at mercy to the churn of repetitive thoughts. And they just keep coming and they get us absolutely nowhere.
The cycle often unfolds like this:
We have a negative thought, and that thought stirs up a storm of emotions.
The emotions take over—so we lash out, break down, or let frustration get the better of us.
Then, guilt sneaks in. We feel awful for our outburst, and the day starts to veer off course.
Cue shame, rolling in right on time, making us regret how things spiraled.
And finally, we top it all off by criticizing ourselves for feeling bad in the first place, effectively turning a bad day into a full-blown self-inflicted spiral.
Often our actions become reactions to every emotion and thought we have.
We have seriously taken the back seat in our own lives and allowed our emotions to dictate how we feel about ourselves….and we all know our thoughts and emotions don’t always tell the truth.
So, how can we take back control and stop being so reactive? How can we become active drivers in our own lives?
When I picture somebody being an active driver in their own life, it is not that they do not feel the surges of anger, frustration, sadness and anxiety, but that they can feel, process and move through these emotions.
I picture somebody giving themselves time and space to process bad news, grieve being let down by a friend, or allow themselves to sit in the discomfort of change happening in their life.
They do not hate themselves for these feelings, nor do they let them take over.
How can we feel our feelings and keep moving forward?
The best way to begin taking back control over our internal experience is to recognise what is happening internally and become aware that these emotions, despite being painful and all consuming, they are not there to harm you.
We can then try to understand these emotions, and we can choose how we want to respond to them and the circumstances in our environment. When we make the effort to understand our emotions and thoughts, we regain the power to choose how we want to respond, rather than simply reacting automatically.
Emotions and thoughts are part of being human and they will always be present, the key here is to discern how to be with, and not become them.
Being with Your Emotions, Not Becoming Them
This is the most difficult part of the whole process. It is often difficult for us to sit with our emotions. That’s why we so often distract ourselves from feeling them. Whatever your distraction of choice is, there is no judgement here.
These distractions work to help us feel in control and steady, maybe because the emotion is too overwhelming, painful or frightening.
If we can allow ourselves to FEEL them, sit with them and ASK them what they are trying to tell us, we can use our emotions as a tool for growth.
Our emotions often reflect important information about our current lives, the way we are living and our levels of contentment.
So lets get curious about our emotions:
Core Idea: Emotions aren’t "good" or "bad"; they’re simply signals that inform us about our inner and outer experiences. Negative emotions like sadness, anger, or anxiety can reveal unmet needs or boundaries being crossed, while positive emotions point to what aligns with our values and goals.
How It Connects to Being Content: Learning to regulate and reflect on your emotions (rather than suppressing or overreacting) allows you to use them as a compass for personal growth and fulfilment.
Emotions are like our little messengers; they are here to tell us something about what is happening in our external world. Whether it’s joy, sadness, anger, or anxiety, each emotion has something important to communicate. Instead of fighting them, we can let them be here and become curious about the intention behind their presence.
It will be uncomfortable at first, and it may feel like the flood gates of emotion have opened and we can’t shut them.
By allowing ourselves to sit in the emotions, the intensity and energy they hold will begin to pass and we will find ourselves beginning to regulate and feel more capable of feeling them. As opposed to avoiding the feeling, just for them to arise at a later date.
For instance, anxiety might be telling us that we are entering a stressful situation, and the experience of anxiety is our body’s way of preparing us for the stressors ahead. Rather than resisting it or allowing it to control us, we can pause, acknowledge it, and understand its protective response.
This approach creates space between the emotion and our response, giving us the chance to act consciously rather than being swept away by the current.
Using our thoughts….in a productive way
Thoughts, like emotions, are a natural part of being human. However, not every thought deserves our attention. Our minds can generate an endless stream of thoughts all day, every day — and some will be useful, some distracting, and some downright unhelpful. The key to staying in the driver’s seat is discerning which thoughts we should focus on and give our attention to, and which ones we should let pass by.
When we become aware of our thoughts, we can start to question their validity.
Is this thought based on truth, or is it a projection of fear, doubt, or past experiences? Is this thought serving us in any way, or is it simply a distraction keeping us from living in the present moment?
By practicing bringing curiosity and awareness, we develop the ability to observe our thoughts without immediately reacting to them. We can choose which thoughts to engage with and which ones to allow to fade into the background.
An IFS Approach: The Role of the Self in IFS
The transformative strength of Internal Family Systems (IFS) lies in its focus on the Self—the calm, compassionate, and wise essence at the core of who we are.
The Self is the natural leader of our internal system. When we feel connected to our self, we can approach the emotions we feel and the thoughts we think, from a place of awareness, understanding and clarity. As opposed to meeting our emotions with stress, strain and criticism.
In this sense, taking the driver’s seat is about reconnecting with the Self and allowing it to lead, rather than letting our emotional or thought-based parts drive the car. To truly take the driver’s seat in our lives, we need to reconnect with Self-leadership.
What is Self-Leadership you may ask?
Self Leadership essentially means embracing the ability to be present with our emotions and thoughts, while simultaneously holding space for the parts of us that may feel stuck or reactive.
How nice is it to approach the world with calmness and clarity?
We can approach our emotions and thoughts with the understanding that they are not “us,” but rather a part of us.
For example, anxiety arises and instead of letting it dictate our actions - such as avoiding a situation or becoming overwhelmed - we pause, acknowledge the anxiety as a part of ourselves, and listen to its message. From a Self-led place, we can guide the anxiety without letting it take control.
We can say, “I hear you, and I understand that you are trying to protect me. But I am in charge, and I am capable of navigating this situation with clarity and intention.”
Dialogue with Your Parts: Reclaiming Control with Compassion
A key aspect of IFS is engaging in dialogue with our parts.
When a strong emotion or recurring thought arises, asking
“Which part of me is feeling this way?” or
“What do I need right now?"
These questions create an internal dialogue which allows us to connect with the part, offering it the space to express itself without overwhelming us.
Ultimately, doing this leads to a greater sense of trust in ourselves. Trust that we can move through discomfort or pain, and live more intentionally, instead of from a place of reactivity.
We can’t always control our emotions, but we can control our responses
Being in the driver’s seat of your life means recognising that you don’t have to be controlled by your emotions or thoughts. We have autonomy over our actions and reactions.
The process of reconnecting with your self doesn’t mean avoiding emotions or suppressing thoughts; it means understanding them and choosing how to respond. This is a continual learning process and we will not always be perfect at it. We can slowly work on breaking old patterns and reactions, rather than being swept up by our emotions.
We are breaking cycles and CHANGING our responses to the same situations.
With the use of Internal Family Systems therapy, we can learn to respond in a different, more compassionate way so we no longer react in the way we used to. The progress of seeing your behaviour patterns change is evidence that you are breaking cycles and growing and learning how to navigate your own internal world and that is PROGRESS.
I’m proud of you! I cant wait to see you in the driver of your own life, instead of taking the backseat. Nobody likes the back seat.
If this resonates with you and you’re curious to explore Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’re here to support you.
At True Self Space, we specialise in helping you reconnect with your authentic self, heal emotional wounds, and rewrite outdated narratives.
✨ Follow us on Instagram at @TrueSelfSpace for daily insights, inspiration, and tips on inner healing.
🌐 Visit our website at TrueSelfSpace.com.au to learn more about IFS therapy and our approach.
Ready to take the next step? Book a session today!
Let’s connect—you’ve got this! 💛
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