I know crazy right!
You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when you make a mistake and you fall into the pits of despair known as the shame spiral? That shame spiral that sits silently in the back of your mind, remembering all the bad things you’ve ever done and every mistake you’ve ever made.
It's that voice in the back of your mind that is your parents and caregivers criticising you, misunderstanding you, or misguiding your large emotions.
Without a secure caregiver/parent or anyone to help us move through and make sense of these emotions, specifically the feelings of guilt and shame, we internalised them, believing they were reflections of who we are, not just based on what we did.
We incorrectly attached these feelings of guilt and shame to our identity.
In childhood, when we made mistakes or failed to meet expectations, we didn’t yet know how to separate the two. If we made a mistake and weren’t met with understanding or if we felt criticised instead of supported, feelings of shame may have arisen, skewing our perception of ourselves.
Instead of thinking, "I shouldn’t have done that," we begin to think, "I’m not good enough."
This is the difference between guilt and shame.
Whilst guilt says, "I did something wrong” and is focused on our actions, shame whispers, "I am wrong."
Guilt vs Shame
Guilt is action based, it arises when we have done something that goes against societies, our families, or the general idea of “right” vs “wrong”. When we have experienced something that has caused harm to another person or has gone against our values, guilt arises.
Guilt is incredibly beneficial for our overall growth and can show us the parts of ourselves that we must take accountability for, to foster growth, repair harm and make better choices. It can be a good internal guidance system…
Shame on the other hand is a much DEEPER emotion, that focuses on the self.
It reflects a belief that there is something inherently wrong or unworthy about who we are. Shame is often internalised and can lower our self-esteem, leaving us feeling isolated or disconnected.
Imagine you’re at a party, and you share a story that you think is funny. Instead of laughing, the group goes quiet, and someone changes the subject. You immediately feel embarrassment come over you and then the thoughts start flooding in…
“Why did I even say that?”
“I’m so awkward. Everyone thinks I’m weird.”
“I shouldn’t have come.”
Imagine you’re in a relationship, and one evening, your partner seems distant. You ask them what’s wrong, and they respond with a frustrated tone, “Nothing, I’m just tired.”
Instead of taking their words at face value, shame creeps in, and your inner dialogue starts telling you that you have done something wrong, that you’re too needy and not good enough for them.
Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is crucial, because guilt can foster growth and change, while shame often traps people in cycles of self-criticism and avoidance. Recognising when you’re experiencing shame can be the first step toward self-compassion and breaking free from its grip.
So how do we stop this spiral of thoughts that does nothing but derail us….
Compassion: The antidote to shame
Yes that’s correct, the antidote to shame and the path toward listening and connecting with the inner critic is compassion.
Compassion creates space for shame to be heard, seen and connected with. When the wounded part of you feels seen and understood, the intensity of our shame will soften.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory, shame is recognised as a burden that can often be carried by a younger part of you. This younger part of you has learnt to protect, hide, criticise, or silence your true self. This part may often carry the belief that if you keep yourself small, invisible or perfect you will keep yourself safe from judgement and rejection. Our shame is not there to harm us, but to help us survive and feel safe when the world seems unkind or unforgiving.
Challenging our shame through an IFS therapy lens
Recognise and name your shame
Start to notice the moments when shame arises. Instead of pushing it away or adding more shame to the shame you already feel, take a moment to pause. Acknowledge its presence and begin to get curious about why it is here and how it is showing up in your body.
Curiosity softens the sting of shame and opens the door to understanding.
Bring curiosity to the table, not judgement
Shame can present in very harsh and intense ways, instead of believing everything that arises with shame, see if you can bring a curious light to it. Some questions to help with curiosity can be:
What is this part of me afraid of?
What does it want me to know?
What does it need from me right now?
Compassionate healing
Imagine a friend came to you feeling the way you do—how would you comfort them? Now, offer that same warmth and kindness to yourself. Let your shame know it’s not alone and doesn’t have to carry the burden anymore.
Hold yourself in this space
Compassion teaches us that beneath the layers of hurt and shame there is still our Self – the calm, compassionate and curious part of us that leads all other parts with courage. When you hold shame in this space, you’re telling it: “I see you, I understand you, and I’m here for you.”
You are not your shame. You are the compassion capable of holding it. When you begin to approach shame wit this lens, you uncover the truth underneath: you are inherently worthy of love and kindness no matter what past experiences and narratives tell you.
IFS therapy
In IFS therapy, we continue this method of compassionate connection to explore our shame and rewrite these narratives. Through the IFS healing steps, we unburden the parts of us carrying shame, beginning to understand they are the parts of us who need kindness and understanding, not more shame.
If this resonates with you and you’re curious to explore Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’re here to support you.
At True Self Space, we specialize in helping you reconnect with your authentic self, heal emotional wounds, and rewrite outdated narratives.
✨ Follow us on Instagram at @TrueSelfSpace for daily insights, inspiration, and tips on inner healing.
🌐 Visit our website at TrueSelfSpace.com.au to learn more about IFS therapy and our approach.
Ready to take the next step? Book a session today!
Let’s connect—you’ve got this! 💛
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